A man goes swimming and while he is in the water, all his clothes are stolen. What does he go home in?
The dark.

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a fish?
Swimming trunks.

What wobbles when if flies?
A jellycopter.

Do you know what the penalty for bigamy is?
Two mothers-in-law.

Did you go water-skiing on holiday?
No, I couldn't find a lake with a slope.

What's a lawyers favourite pudding?
Suet.

It is truly said that children brighten the home.
They never turn the lights off.

What nut has no shell?
A doughnut.

Which fish wears a cowboy hat and two guns?
Billy the squid.

Books and their authors:
The Laser by Ray Gunn.
Bricks and Mortar by Bill Ding.

Waiter, will my beefburger be long?
I expect it will be round, sir.

Books and their authors:
Cross the Road by Luke Bothways.
Falling by Mr. Step.
Teatime by Roland Butta.

Do you know the difference between a pillarbox and an elephant's ear?
No?
I'll never send you to post a letter.

Peter: Dad, do you water the horse when he's thirsty?
Dad: Yes, that's right.
Peter: Then I'm going to milk the cat.

Which bear needs a deodorant?
Pooh Bear.

Dolly: If I dug a hole in the middle of the park what would come up?
Polly: Probably a policeman.

Mrs. Smithers, you have a cute appendicitis.
I came here to be treated, not admired, Doctor!

Waiter, your thumb is in my soup.
Don't worry, sir, it's not hot.

Why can't hurricanes get along?
They never see eye to eye.

What does a broom do at night?
Goes to sweep.

Why did you only clean the windows inside?
So I can look out but nobody can look in.

What do you get if you cross a river with a bike?
Wet feet.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his shoulder?
Cliff.

What kind of bird digs for coal?
A mynah bird.

Name nine animals from Africa.
Eight elephants and a giraffe.

What exams does Father Christmas take?
Ho Ho Ho levels.

Doctor, doctor, I've swallowed a spoon.
Lie on the couch and don't stir.

What do ghosts eat for breakfast?
Dreaded wheat.

Why does a hen lay eggs?
Because if she dropped them, they would break.

Tom: What are eagles?
George: Birdies.
Tom: No, silly, two under Par.

Who invented the round table?
Sir Cumference.

What would happen if pigs could fly?
Bacon would go up.

What do you call an elephant that flies?
A jumbo jet.

Why are false teeth like stars?
They come out at night.

How do you keep a skunk from smelling?
Hold his nose.

What do you sing at a snowman's party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.

Waiter, what is this fly doing in my soup?
The breast stroke, sir.

What do you get hanging from a tree?
Sore arms.

Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.